Where life is taking me to...

I still don't know! Even don't know if I am too late to know the answer now...

$$$ It breaks… Still never! $$$

9:00PM in one part of Earth, 10:00PM at another part of Earth and 8:30AM in an entirely opposite pole of Earth. All these timings could get together when my amma/appa, I and my brother do conference call on my Saturdays. I am talking and talking without any full stop about almost everything that I could talk about under the sky. In most of our phone calls the silent one is appa, not because he is a reticent person but mostly because he will not get a chance to talk when it comes to the other three! J I am discussing about my future plans of getting a “dosa pan!” as like a business executive planning to launch a new software methodology! Suddenly my amma’s voice, “you could get that when you go to Phile. Ganesh is having a large dosa pan with him which he has kept in the pooja room doing Saraswathi pooja with it!”. I don’t know what I did that time to receive a counter retort from Ganesh on amma’s comment which said, “She will not even be able to lift that dosa pan. Oashakoyukkattai. She is not good for anything other than breaking that old cup and saucer!”

Just like a token of appreciation ‘cup and saucer’ is a token of “something” being appended to my name plate from some day which I even don’t know when? I will have to face this ‘cup and saucer’ ball bouncing back at me from someone (mostly my brother) in the family for almost every single thing which will say, “Oashakoyukkattai, you will screw this up also just like that cup and saucer!” or “You have no voice in this. You only know how to break cup and saucer Oashakoyukkattai!”. Anyway either in the beginning middle or end “Oashakoyukkattai” was also added as a logo! It won’t be just stopped with the mere mentioning of ‘cup and saucer’, and then some other one will start from the very beginning elaborating and at times exaggerating the story which I could say like this:

The following morning the usher in the dining room served us a plastic tray with several little compartments full of food along with a tray of 4 cups to serve ourselves with coffee. The cups were perfect crystal and it was creating a wonderful color effect with the rays being reflected from the light above us. (From the vague picture of a 4-year old, I remember that it wasn’t a crowded restaurant. Still I could see some two three dining here and there.) With all its fantasy, my eyes remain locked on the cup and saucer in front of me! ‘Sathan’ started playing his game with me as usual! :D My hands were able to reach it out and I was insisting in having my coffee myself that morning. Merely like any other child in tantrum, I started pulling away from my amma who was trying to threaten and warn me in almost one and the same breath when the cup fell out of my little hands almost at the same time! As it should, it broke into several little crystal pieces which again attracted me towards it - but this time my attraction was almost engulfed by my appa’s stare at me! Everyone in the room stopped eating and turned to stare at us as the sound of the broken cup and saucer ringed and remained echoing in the room drawing each and everyone’s attention. The hotel manager rushed towards us with an ear-to-ear grin fitted in his face as he had a 1000 watts bulb as his breakfast that morning! Of course he did soothe up the ambience by encouragingly saying that – “It do happen with kids. Don’t worry… its replaceable! “. But that time I didn’t know that the grin of the manager could get my appa a ‘huge’ pay for the so-called expensive cup and saucer at the time of vacating the resort! Anyway from that time onwards I am being served with ‘this’ cup and saucer each and every time when someone feels like doing so! :D

I was pulled back by amma’s usual funny complaints which said, “You both are the same… Don’t know why both of my children became like this! You will never listen to what I say! And I said that day itself not to handle that cup and saucer!” (My amma could never stop saying this :D..) If I am not avoiding my ‘reticent’ appa at this situation then he would have continued to walk me through his same old sayings and probably would have advised some more (because now I am also a cashier in Burger King capable enough of breaking some more ‘cups and saucers’ if I screw up something in the cash counter). May be I am hearing all these stories for the thousandth time today! But the incident that happened long long back during a vacation trip to Ponmudi and the token of which was added to my name, everything remain there still anew! The story which once irritated me is the one that I loved the most to recollect and visualize again today!

Even now almost after 20 years when I hear this same complaint from my amma again I could relate myself thinking and taking everything in a different perspective. From the time when she told me about the cup and saucer till the time when she is mentioning about our “future”, I could relate the same complaint for all the cases! And at this point from 4 to 24, I wish I could go back to that 4-year old where there was only one vision, one thought, one life, and above all only one perspective. Now when I woke up at this 4:00AM because of terrible thoughts and dreams, I truly wish I could go back to that 4-year old breaking that cup and saucer again, fracturing my elbows again, puncher -ing my forehead again, fighting with boys again!, above all sleeping worry-less again at least once!

When did I...

…become the one that I am now? I was all the same from the time I could remember. But still somewhere I fell out of track. Not sure where or how! When it taught me many things, I sat there like an obedient student. But still don’t know where I lost my confidence; I came back searching for it in the deep sea. I was unaware that I can find it inside me myself if I can spare some time searching for it within me!

All familiar faces, but all are having grim expressions. The only one who smiled at me was that lonely star. I can see that winking at me. I remember seeing it when I went through this path before - letting myself to be stolen unknowingly. When the words were buried down - where the waves were all still - where even the wind wasn’t hissing. I tried to slide myself out of its clutches - to reach nowhere!

And here when I stand looking back at those dried maple leaves, I felt that same sand drifting out from beneath my feet. I looked at each of those recognized but unrecognized faces. I was able to see the clouds moving apart paving the way for the sky to pour out its mind. It transferred that cold love it carried for all the way long down to me. But I realized that grip was strong enough to make me turn to face the path in front of me.

When it locked my eyes with hers - I pushed myself forward to see the same kind of human being inside her. Like a kid having a new doll, my mind laughed and laughed and laughed. She moved the curtain aside to show me the other world – the other little world – that I always wished to see. Not sure if it will always laugh, but sure even my tears will be laughing then in this world. Not sure if the waves are enough to make your feet wet, but sure they will never be dead again. Not sure if the wind is blowing in the right direction, but I am sure it will never forget to hiss again - never ever!